found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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