please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
please come you make the beer taste better
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
