Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize