i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
