Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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