Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
