This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize