How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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