Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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