I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
