And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
