Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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