so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
