stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I wear drunk well.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
