just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
