He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I just want nice things and good sex
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
