i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
