so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
