Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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