I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
