Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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