how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
