just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
