So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
