she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Pooping to opera.
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