if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
