I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
vagina is talking i cant
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
