I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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