The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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