If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
