I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
