So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
