The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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