Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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