Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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