so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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