Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
