how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
