I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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