Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
