i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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