it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
