i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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