and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just high enough for therapy.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
