I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
