I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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