your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
