You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
