Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
