I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
