broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
