Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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