Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
