Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
