she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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