I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
