How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
